Trying to Take Aim

Now that I am done with those rude spammers, back to the gym. As part of the sign up bonus when I joined my gym, I was allowed an hour with a personal trainer. It came free and I could use it anyway I wanted, so I went for it. I was expecting this reed thin, blond 20 year old, and out walked a 50 something woman with a normal body. I was sort of stunned and very impressed, 'cuz that woman could kick my butt any number of ways.

As we started the session, she asked me the question that has haunted me since I quit my job. "So, what are your goals?", she asked. I am lucky I didn't have an emotional breakdown on the spot, because I have never been so aimless in all my life.

Oh sure, there is that "raising happy, healthy children" thing, but it is so intangible, and will I ever know if I have succeeded? Then there is the "Keep a diaper on Maggie for more then 3 hours" goal, but that seems a little narrow and frankly, I fail 60 % of the time. I am not sure it is an attainable goal. So, 'what are my goals?' is this really difficult question for me these days.

I have always been a goal driven person. Goals motivate me. My first goals involved educational milestones, then my goals involved professional milestones. I was always compensated for attaining goals. My goals always built on each other and led to me to better places. There was always a timeline, a vision of the outcome, etc.,etc. Now what?

Let's see, I think I will aspire to have La Nina reading before Kindergarten. Sure, that is specific, time oriented, but controllable? Ha! I can push all I want, but she has to want it, and I am not sure she does. Let me try again, I will potty train Maggie by her second birthday..which is coming up next month. Yeah, right. Like my sweet angel is just going to start cooperating over night. It is really hard to come up with SMART (Specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time oriented) goals, when you are working with two kids that could give a rats' butt about anything but princesses and cupcakes.

I end up feeling lost, despite my busy-ness. I whine to my friends, my spouse, anyone who will listen, "I feel so aimless", and they look at me like I am nuts. One friend even laughed outloud at my complaint. I told her she wasn't very helpful. She laughed even harder. She said something about me being the most driven person she knows, and then it was my chance to laugh.

I am left in this really odd oblivion of trying to deal with aimlessness for the first time in my life. It is not a comfortable place for me. The good news is I only have time to contemplate it when I am asked by someone at the gym. To that unknowing woman, I stammered out something about losing my pregnancy weight. (Well, I thought it was funny since I don't even have a goal for the gym.) Normally, I am too busy chasing kids and wiping butts to be worried about accomplishing anything more than a little humor during the day.