What is up on "Real"?
Continuing my most frequently asked question theme, this question is right up there on the most asked list and number one on my most annoying questions list. Many people ask me, "Is Maggie Carly's 'real' sister?" What is up with that question? If it is a child asking me that question, I am always patient and explain that it is a "real" sister, because I am a "real" mother.
However, when it is an adult asking the question, I feel no need to be so patient. I am usually tactiful and simply answer, "Of course. I am their real Mom, so that makes them real sisters." (If you are a family member or friend reading this, I hope you give to this answer.) The wise person stops questioning upon hearing this answer, but on occasion I have had a tactless fool continue to pursue the topic. At that point, all bets are off on my niceness and it is only by the grace of God, I don't answer any follow up questions with "Why are you so ignorant?". It just isn't pretty.
The truth is, if you really want to examine the word 'real' in the context of relationships, these days, that word is quite slippery. The implication in this word is one of biology. Start with marriage. If "real" in relationship requires shared biology, marriages aren't real until you have kids. There is no lineage between spouses, the divorces are easy to come by, so is it your "real" spouse if you are only bound by a piece of paper? What about families that include children from previous marriages? Add children through surrogacy? Donor eggs and sperm? Are these 'real' families? If a spouse is considered "real" due to a piece of paper, does a piece of paper saying I adopted my child make the relationship any less "real" than a marriage? Of course not. No further conversation/explanation/legitimization needed.
The other fact that becomes apparent during these conversations is these people know nothing of China and nothing of why children are available for adoption in China. Frequently, these people don't understand it is mostly girls available for adoption. I admit I am immersed in the process and culture, and therefore, I am more informed now than the average person. However, long before I entered the adoption process I knew about China's one child policy and the little girls that were being found all over the country. It wasn't that I was interested in adoption, I just knew a little about my world.
Babies from China enter the US at a rate of about 10,000 every year, 98% of them are girls and this has been happening for many years. These girls have quite a little sorority established, organizations to support them and highly educated, motivated, very 'real' parents. I am willing to bet that these girls are going to be a force for China and the US in the future when they want information on their biological parents. I am willing to bet also they are the ones who will define the word 'real' for themselves and the world, and I know their 'real' parents will be cheering them on.
However, when it is an adult asking the question, I feel no need to be so patient. I am usually tactiful and simply answer, "Of course. I am their real Mom, so that makes them real sisters." (If you are a family member or friend reading this, I hope you give to this answer.) The wise person stops questioning upon hearing this answer, but on occasion I have had a tactless fool continue to pursue the topic. At that point, all bets are off on my niceness and it is only by the grace of God, I don't answer any follow up questions with "Why are you so ignorant?". It just isn't pretty.
The truth is, if you really want to examine the word 'real' in the context of relationships, these days, that word is quite slippery. The implication in this word is one of biology. Start with marriage. If "real" in relationship requires shared biology, marriages aren't real until you have kids. There is no lineage between spouses, the divorces are easy to come by, so is it your "real" spouse if you are only bound by a piece of paper? What about families that include children from previous marriages? Add children through surrogacy? Donor eggs and sperm? Are these 'real' families? If a spouse is considered "real" due to a piece of paper, does a piece of paper saying I adopted my child make the relationship any less "real" than a marriage? Of course not. No further conversation/explanation/legitimization needed.
The other fact that becomes apparent during these conversations is these people know nothing of China and nothing of why children are available for adoption in China. Frequently, these people don't understand it is mostly girls available for adoption. I admit I am immersed in the process and culture, and therefore, I am more informed now than the average person. However, long before I entered the adoption process I knew about China's one child policy and the little girls that were being found all over the country. It wasn't that I was interested in adoption, I just knew a little about my world.
Babies from China enter the US at a rate of about 10,000 every year, 98% of them are girls and this has been happening for many years. These girls have quite a little sorority established, organizations to support them and highly educated, motivated, very 'real' parents. I am willing to bet that these girls are going to be a force for China and the US in the future when they want information on their biological parents. I am willing to bet also they are the ones who will define the word 'real' for themselves and the world, and I know their 'real' parents will be cheering them on.
posted by One Lucky Mom @ 8:09 PM
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