Attachment Disorder????
I am a member an adoption playgroup and lately, I have noticed a trend. It seems to me that everyone is willing to label every challenge their child faces as related to an "attachment" issues. Even more interesting is that when I hang out with my non-adoptive friends, I see home-grown kids exhibiting the same behaviors that are sending adoptive parents into a panic.
Example: At the park, the kid won't leave Mom's side and constantly demands Mom's attention. I have seen both adoptive and homegrown kids do this, yet for some reason, the adoptive Moms call it an "attachment" issue, while the homegrown Moms call it annoying. Without guilt, the homegrown Moms tell their kids to go play or they will go home. And almost always, the kids go and play. In the adoption play group, the adoptive Moms 'honor' the child's feelings, because surely this clinginess is an adoption-related "need", not some normal kid issue, because you know...adopted kids are "special".
The result: Homegrown Moms are more fun to hang out with at the park! This is not to say that the kids never hang out with the Moms. Of course they do. But when I am with my homegrown Mom friends, the kids spend the bulk of their time playing. And when I am with my playgroup friends, the kids spend the bulk of their time in their Moms' laps.
It has gotten to the point, that if I have a choice of where I spend my Fridays at the park, I am avoiding my playgroup in favor of friends with home grown kids the same age as mine. Time is too precious to waste making sure "Suzie" is comfortable with her Mommy talking to me. It seems that the adoptive Moms are so obsessed with "honoring their child's feeling" because of "attachment issues" that my kids have no one to play with and I have no one to visit with because the children never leave!
Yes, some adopted kids do have attachment issues, and the vast majority don't. I am not saying "attachment issues" don't exist. All I am saying is that kids will be kids common sense must prevail. And every misbehavior isn't a "sign" of some bigger issue. Kids will test the limits every chance they get, and it is all a matter of how much the Mom is willing to take.
Ok, so now I am done venting. I have a story to write. I am skipping FCC playgroup again this week and calling a friend to set up a play date!
Example: At the park, the kid won't leave Mom's side and constantly demands Mom's attention. I have seen both adoptive and homegrown kids do this, yet for some reason, the adoptive Moms call it an "attachment" issue, while the homegrown Moms call it annoying. Without guilt, the homegrown Moms tell their kids to go play or they will go home. And almost always, the kids go and play. In the adoption play group, the adoptive Moms 'honor' the child's feelings, because surely this clinginess is an adoption-related "need", not some normal kid issue, because you know...adopted kids are "special".
The result: Homegrown Moms are more fun to hang out with at the park! This is not to say that the kids never hang out with the Moms. Of course they do. But when I am with my homegrown Mom friends, the kids spend the bulk of their time playing. And when I am with my playgroup friends, the kids spend the bulk of their time in their Moms' laps.
It has gotten to the point, that if I have a choice of where I spend my Fridays at the park, I am avoiding my playgroup in favor of friends with home grown kids the same age as mine. Time is too precious to waste making sure "Suzie" is comfortable with her Mommy talking to me. It seems that the adoptive Moms are so obsessed with "honoring their child's feeling" because of "attachment issues" that my kids have no one to play with and I have no one to visit with because the children never leave!
Yes, some adopted kids do have attachment issues, and the vast majority don't. I am not saying "attachment issues" don't exist. All I am saying is that kids will be kids common sense must prevail. And every misbehavior isn't a "sign" of some bigger issue. Kids will test the limits every chance they get, and it is all a matter of how much the Mom is willing to take.
Ok, so now I am done venting. I have a story to write. I am skipping FCC playgroup again this week and calling a friend to set up a play date!
posted by One Lucky Mom @ 2:00 PM
5 Comments:
At 5:03 PM ,
Johnny said...
I totally agree with your analysis. There seems to be a built in guilt of "I took you away" or "You poor thing, you and I aren't connecting".
Puuleeze.
Our answer has always been, "Well, she's a two year old".
At 5:49 PM ,
One Lucky Mom said...
Thank you! I feel so validated.
At 10:24 PM ,
Gracencameronsmomy said...
Oh my gosh, I so totally agree! I have a differnet perspective because I also hae a "home grown" child and I see Gracie doing the same things that Cameron did at that age, but maybe on a more extreme level(a girl thing??) But being adopted myself, I don't put much stock in "attachment disorders". Some day she will greive the loss of her birth mother, yes, but I don't believe she will be scarred for life by it...I wasn't.
Lisa
At 11:44 AM ,
Stephanie V said...
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I don't have my daughter home yet, but I hear it over and over and over "attachment Issues" and I can't help but think some of this stuff they're wigging about is just "kid" stuff. It's so easy to become hyper paranoid when that's all you ever hear.
At 10:22 PM ,
Andrea (MaoMaoChong de Mama) said...
Nice post! And nice to "meet" you. I haven't run into this attitude too much, fortunately, but I read about it and could certainly see it happening. The few a-moms I get to hang out with are pretty reasonable and level-headed, so far. Actually, around here a lot of the moms of homegrown kids are doing fanatical attachment parenting, so there may be little difference. So far my daughter does seem clingier (sp?) than most, but she's sooo much better than 8 months ago in China, and better since starting daycare as well. (That's another hot button issue here in Santa Cruz, but it can actually be helpful for the parents to go away and then come back, every day.) Have there been attachment issues? Sure. Do they control her behavior and how we relate to each other? Not much. Can you always tell the difference? Nope. Sigh. I sure like talking to other moms while the kids are playing, and I'm glad (maybe even especially glad) when I can do this with other a-moms. On the other hand--sometimes I really like the slides!
Andrea, lucky mom to a daughter from Jiangxi, who is practicing hard to be 2!
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