Help, I'm on the phone!

Yesterday, I had the kids all day and for one measly hour, I had to take a conference call for work. I arranged my schedule so that we could be home and the kids could be eating...a quiet activity. I hoped interruptions would be minimal, the work would be productive and then we would just go about our day. I mean, what could go wrong? Right? Here's how my hour went.

Noon- Phone rings with call in number. I put my least favorite children's show on"Max and Ruby." Now, I may hate the show, but my children love it. Should be easy money.

12:03- Call begins.

12:05- Yard guys arrive and I need to bring the dogs into the house. I lock the beasts in the bedroom. A bullet is dodged: Dogs, kids and food together are not a good combination.

12:10- Pizzas are complete, I pull them from the oven to feed the kids. I pour some milk and peel a couple of clementines all the while offering my input on the discussion as appropriate.

12:15- Lunch is served. 'Max and Ruby' is on, all is well. I retire to the far corner of the kitchen and focus on the call.

12:20- The Magster is finding her sister very funny and is full-volume laughing. I leave the kitchen and hide in the living room. I pick a spot where I can see the kids, but they can't see me.

12:25- All eating has stopped and it's now just giggle fest. A yard guy fires up a leaf blower 5 feet from where I'm sitting. At least he drowns out the giggle sound.

12:30- Milk spills, but I can't see it. I do see La Nina running through the living room, arms flailing screaming something unintelligible. I later learn she was screaming for a napkin.

12:31- Dogs charge down the hall with La Nina tailing in their wake. Pete, the dog, enters the kitchen, leaps over the little table and steals a piece of pizza from Maggie's hand mid-bite. Maggie begins screaming.

12:32- I put the call on hold to deal with the situation. My colleagues find my children vastly amusing. I do not.

12:37- After securing the dogs, cleaning up the milk and getting napkins for the kids, I return to my call. The yard guys move to the back yard.

12:45- Mad laughter from the family room. I'm in the kitchen and can't see the cause. I'm in the thick of the call and I figure at least I can hear them...it can't be all bad.

12:50- A naked Maggie runs into the kitchen, shakes her booty my direction and runs out of the kitchen. The blinds are open to the backyard. I fear she is performing for the yard guys. Heaven help me. My dilemma: scream, "For the love of God, put on your clothes" while on the call or haul her into the back of the house where she is hidden from the yard guys. I take option two, covering the phone and whispering urgently she must put her clothes on. It doesn't go well. She wails in anger over her containment. More muffled laughter on the phone.

12:55- The call is wrapping up. I've got naked Maggie trapped in the back bathroom. La Nina is crying in the kitchen because she just figured out the dogs ate her pizza too.

1pm- I apologize profusely to my very patient colleagues and I swear it is easier to just go to the office. But they answer, "It's so much more fun for us to listen to you when you're at home."