The "Right" Thing

Last fall, I heard about a great opportunity for my school. A local company was offering grants to teachers for their classrooms. The grants were for Science, Math, Education and Technology for up to $2000 per classroom. So, I helped my teacher complete her grant, then I went to the staff meeting at my school and explained the process to the other teachers. I made myself available to answer questions, I provided my grant request and I even submitted a grant or two on behalf of teachers.

The reason I did this is that the schools need the money but also there was an opportunity for a larger grant. If teacher's filled out their grant request correctly, then their grant could earn their school a $25,000 grant. In hard times, $25,000 goes a long ways at a school and what school doesn't need the money? I wanted my school to win that grant.

About 5 teachers received grants at my school and 1 of those grants became a semi-finalist for the school wide grant for $25,000. I was so excited. May be this could happen for our school, I thought. These bigger grants were to be awarded in only two counties, and the schools in our city are among the wealthiest in the area. But, our school has more than 25% of its students on the federal lunch program and receives Title 1 funding, so we were classified as having moderate poverty. In the grant world, this was huge. I crossed my fingers and sent all my good vibes to the grant selection committee. $25,000 would do so much for my school.

When the announcements came out great news: one of the grants from our school was selected as a winner and our school won $25,000.

Then, odd things started happening. I heard a rumor at school that the teacher who wrote the grant told everyone she wrote a grant for $25,000. The money was hers. This wasn't true. The grant she wrote was for $800. It was honored as a great idea and the school was awarded $25,000 because of her idea. She was NOT given $25,000. Then, I saw a congratulations sign the parents of her class had made. And noticeably absent was any real excitement around the school. What was going on? Then a friend, with a child in the class came by and when I asked him about the grant, he told me all about how the teacher was spending all the money in their class. When I told him the story of the grant, he was shocked and told me he'd keep his ears open.

I decided at that time to send a note of congratulations to the principal as well as a copy of the rules. Surely, he would see the light. Surely, he would reign in this teacher. Surely, "logic" would prevail. Time went on. And still no real news on the grant. Then, this week, there was news, big news.

The teacher had spent $15,000 in her classroom to create a "Smart Classroom", only $10,000 would go to the school. WHAT THE F***? I think literally those were my words (without the stars). This meant only 25 kids would benefit from something that could have touched 700. If you want a smart class, why not put it in the science room where every kid could take advantage of it? Why would you send $600 per child on 25 kids and less than $15 a child on everyone else? Do first graders really need a smart classroom when they are only learning to read? Was I missing something?

Terrified I was too late, I sent an email to the principal Tuesday night and asked for confirmation of the rumor. I also sent a note to the person who runs the grant program to find out exactly the rules.

It took two days for the principal to respond. But I heard from the company first. The company had decided school's could decide to spend the money in whatever way it chose. They were steadfast that they wouldn't get involved. If the school wanted to put the money in one classroom, it was at the principal's discretion. They would not get involved. (Rats!) And at the end of the second day, I heard from the principal that he fully supported the teacher's plan. I was sick. Truly sick.

I was depressed all Thursday night. How could one person manipulate a system so thoroughly to the detriment of so many kids? I thought teachers were supposed to care about kids. If she felt the need to be rewarded for her idea, I wouldn't have complained about $2,500 (10% of the total), but 60%? I was back to cussing when I thought about it. What a waste. I mean, really a senseless waste.

I went to breakfast with my friends yesterday morning and told them the story. They were shocked. Here we were, 4 parents who are involved in our school and I was the only one who knew anything about the grant and its misappropriation. One of these friends encouraged me to call the School District Office, but I was so sick I wasn't sure I could do it.

I came home and the Dad started in on me. "You've got to call. Just see if it helps," he said. So, I placed the call. I spoke to someone who is very high up at the district. He graduated from high school a few years a head of me, so we're acquaintances...at best. Anyway, he knew nothing of the grant. (This is $25,000, isn't odd no one knows about this?) and he was quite surprised when I told him about the distribution scheme. He said he would look into it and get back to me.

I hung up and have heard nothing else. I may not. I was probably too late in my final hail mary phone call and I probably should have inserted myself into the process when the silence was so deafening. But I just kept thinking, the school would do the "right" thing. Unfortunately, sometimes when money is involved, people forget the "right" thing and greed takes over. I know this. I've learned this many times, and I don't know why I'm still caught off guard.

I've hung up my crusader guns for now. My kids still have 3 years at this school. A teacher who would manipulate a grant to her own benefit, is certainly capable of manipulating something else and making things miserable for my kids. So, I'm not making any more calls, and this blog post is the last I'll even mention of this incident publicly. But let me tell you, I'll never give another dime to the school's general fund. From now on, my contributions go to my kids' classrooms. I'll never again trust the school administration. And forget my vote for the property tax. There is no way. If a school can't be trusted with $25,000, how can I trust a school district with millions?

Note to readers: This entry has received a great deal of attention around school. I wrote it when I was extremely frustrated and have modified slightly to remove a portion that I felt uncomfortable having in the public forum. I never intended for this entry to be a character attack. However, an issue of character is at the heart of this matter and it needed to be addressed.

Tiger Mama??

If you're a mom, you've probably read the Wall Street Journal article about Why Chinese Moms are Superior. I read this with great interest earlier in the week and have spent a lot of time talking about Amy Chua's parenting advice with other moms. First we all agree, Amy Chua is a brilliant marketer. She's started quite a debate, just before her parenting book comes out and we're all curious about what she has to say about parenting.

To that end, responses to her methods have varied. Some moms find her parenting theory really offensive. Kids need more of a soft touch than a kick in the butt, according to these moms. And really, kids are fragile. I've never viewed my kids as fragile. When I met my kids as babies, they were both quite spirited. And let's face it: both my kids survived for a year in a Chinese orphanage. Nothing fragile about a kid who can do that.

I found this essay interesting. My kids don't call the shots. The Dad and I are parents. They have firm bedtimes and rules around homework and screen time, television, computer and handheld devices. They are expected to be polite, say please and thank you and generally, act respectfully towards others. They do their homework nightly or we don't sign their organizers and they suffer the consequences. La Nina likes to test this one. We make them behave, but they are far from perfect. We're in charge, but we're giving them a lot of lee way.

We're letting our kids make decisions about their activities within reason. We're letting them decide how hard to study on optional school work. We've given them a voice in their causes from a very young age. And while I'm not sure that makes us liberal, I've always done this in order for them to feel okay about expressing their opinions and articulating their feelings in a respectful way. But may be this isn't always the best thing. So, I've been experimenting with a couple of concepts this week.

1.) Forcing a kid to do something they don't want to do for a purpose instills self-confidence. The poor Magster was my victim on this one. She has struggled to learn her times 3 multiplication table for months. She's a year ahead of herself in math, so I haven't worried about her lack of interest in learning her multiplication tables. But this week, I decided she was going to master the times 3. And let me tell you, she mastered her times 3 in one evening with a little Chinese mothering and 30 chocolate chips. Today she brought home her test with a 100%. She wasn't traumatized by me not letting her quit, and she was very happy she passed her test. I've already warned her, she'll learn her times 4 this week.

2.) Fun comes with hard work and achievement. La Nina got involved in this experiment. La Nina has been talking about taking next year off dance. I've been listening to her patiently and I've reached the conclusion she doesn't really want to quit. She just likes to talk about it. So, when she mentioned this the other night, I decided it was time to end her churn on this pointless conversation. As she stewed, I simply said. "You'll dance next year." She was appalled by my attitude. She demanded an explanation and all I said was, "You're going to dance because you'll have more fun doing that than anything else." She argued. She sulked. She told me I was mean. And after a few minutes of this, she agreed with me. There was no deep discussion. She accepted I was right. Again, Chinese Mothering, no worries about self esteem or letting her process. I just made the decision for her and ended the discussion. (Yes, I may regret this, but I know it's right for her.)

This article made me realize that it's okay to give my kids a good firm push every now and again. It's also okay not to listen to their noise. It's their job to make some noise, and it's my job to shut it down. However, I doubt I'll be threatening my kids with their Christmas if they aren't first in their class. I still think I'd rather have a happy kid, than a stressed out one. However, I have to admit, I'm curious about Amy Chua's book. Not sure I'm impose all of her methods, but a few may be worth trying.

Really? Is this necessary?

There's been a buzz around the dance studio. A big name ballet teacher is evaluating kids and offering private lessons. I read the email announcing this news just before the holidays and promptly deleted it. For crying out loud, she's in 3rd grade...why on earth do we need an hour long evaluation followed by private or semi-private lessons?

Then, over the holidays I ran into someone I consider a sane dance mom and she asked if we were participating. "No," I laughed. "That seems more important for the older girls." Her daughter is much older than La Nina, so I assumed that was her interest.

Until she enlightened me. It appears I was the minority parent who casually deleted this email. "Hmmm," I thought. Then I dismissed all other thoughts about this topic. Really, she's in 3rd grade. This week I received another email urging me to have La Nina evaluated. I gracefully declined this invitation (at least I answered it) and left the house to pick up La Nina from dance.

"When's my evaluation?" she asked as she climbed into the van with her dance bag over her shoulder.

"Uh...." I answered, because I'm articulate like that when my kid catches me off guard.

"Friend A went last week, and Friend B went too. Friend C is going tomorrow and Friend D is going Friday, when do I go?"

After lots of begging, pleading, conversing with other dance moms I respect and backtracking with the studio, La Nina has an appointment. But I really still can't get over the central question, is this necessary at her age?

So, I asked some parents outside the dance world how these things work in their kids sports. I was shocked by their answers. Apparently, this is common practice in their respective sports and the prices offered to me were competitive if not low compared to what they were already paying. If you have a kid who is serious at a sport, private coaches for batting are very common as young as 4th grade for baseball and 2nd grade for swimming. (Admittedly, it's a small sample. )

I asked my friend why. "Well," my one friend said, "I just want him to the have experience of playing high school sports and at his age (11), he needs to get ready." Her kids will go to a competitive high school, similar to the one my kids will go to, and according to her, this is just what it takes today. The varsity baseball team is a tough team to make nowadays. Spots are reserved for kids years in advanced and often kids as young as 6th grade basically, know if they're going to have a shot at making the team. Her son is on all the right teams to nab a spot on the freshman team in 3 years, but he needs to keep improving...thus the private coaches.

When did this happen? Is it like this every where? Doesn't this kind of pressure sort of suck the joy right out sports? Aren't kids supposed to be participating in activities they are passionate about just to explore? Don't they have years to master this stuff? And there's another side to this coin: if I don't do this for my kid, do I send some sort of mixed message to the coach/teacher that she's not committed to dance? Do I limit her potential for future casting? Do I hurt her future with my glib email deletion habits? Literally, I was the only parent in a cast of 9 who dismissed this whole thing.

So, tomorrow night, La Nina will be evaluated for placement in this ballet academy. Semi-private lessons are based on skill, not age, so may be she'll be with friends, may be not. (Her interest will drop considerably if she's not with her friends.) And I may let her do this or I may not. I'm still just a little shocked we've gotten to this point and that I've got a lot of company in the place where I am.