What a Difference a Year Makes!

This weekend, we hosted our annual beer and pizza party with our wonderful neighbors. They make the homemade pizza with all sorts of specialty toppings and we provide a variety of micro-brewed beers and Livermore Valley wines. This year, our eighth annual, it was our turn to host and we had about 35 people over Saturday night. We had a fabulous time and I was allowed to participate this year--a good thing since we were hosting.

But it got me thinking to where we were last year at this party. It was, without a doubt, the low point in Maggie's transition to our family. This time last year, she wouldn't tolerate being out of my sight for more than 2 seconds. Nap time, bed time, anytime...she had to see me. If there were other people around, she had to be in my arms. If I did put her down, just to rest for a second, she would scream like a banshee. Needless to say, it was horrible taking her anywhere. I was worn out from getting up with her 5 times a night and I was beginning to wonder if we were in serious trouble with her. We had been home over 6 months and while she was making a little progress, times were still tough on the home front.

The night of our pizza and beer party...the very one we co-host...she and I left about 30 minutes after arriving. I couldn't put her down and she freaked if I sat down with her. My only option to keep her quiet was to stand, rock and hold all 22 lbs of her. And if a man even looked at her..while I was standing, rocking and holding her...she would scream. She was miserable. Or may be I was miserable. Either way, it wasn't working and we left before the first pizza emerged from the oven. Alone in my quiet house, I put her to bed and cried my eyes out. The Dad brought me an entire pizza, but it wasn't the same eating it alone in front of the television watching the Food Channel as it was jostling with my neighbors for a slice of the gorgonzola and goat cheese pie.

Thinking back on that time, I'm amazed that the little girl I kissed good night tonight is the same kid. The 2-year-old I tucked into bed this evening is a very easy going little girl today. She is even keeled, sleeps through the night (for the most part) and loves parties. In fact, this morning she told me she wanted to have another party. She still likes to know where I am in crowds, but she is easily tempted from my side by bigger kids doing something fun. She still asks me to pick her up at parties, but it is part of her checking in with me and it never lasts long. She still is very stand-offish with people she doesn't know, but gone are the screams of terror. I can tell when she is uncomfortable, because she will suddenly start hanging around me. That is, until something more interesting happens, then she is off again. It is as if the child I knew for her first 8 months faded away and the delightful child we only saw glimpses of came home to live full-time.

I'll probably never know why she had such a rough transition into our family, but night's like last night, make me realize how far she has come. It made me appreciate how amazingly resilient kids are and in a way, how magic love is. I was tired, frustrated and angry that night a year ago...and somewhere, I found it in me to love that little girl of mine, screams and all. Because even when she was at her most unlovable, I was her Mom and she needed to leave the party. So, we left. Simple as that.

I don't mean to sound holier than thou writing this, and Lord knows, I make my share of parenting mistakes during the day. But I know that night, I did the right thing despite the personal cost to me. And you know, somewhere along the way, those little decisions paid off. Last night I actually saw it. And it was pretty damn cool.

PS I tried to find a link to the Pizza Party from last year and apparently it was so bad, I didn't write about it. I have a tendency to leave the truly ugly details out of the blog to protect my dear mother and waiting parents who read this...no need to scare the newbies...apparently that night didn't make it through my filter.