Gearing Up for Another Change

It's been said that the only constant in life is that nothing remains the same. And for me, that has never been more true than it is right now.

When I embarked upon full-time Momhood about 1 year ago, I shocked a lot of people including myself. Trust me on this, I never, ever expected to quit my job. I loved my job. But quitting was the right decision. Maggie needed me and when push comes to shove, your kids come first. Period.

Over time, things have changed. Maggie has adjusted beautifully. She is not the same child she was 1 year ago. She is a happy, self-confident, little kid, who wears panties and rarely has an accident. I often find myself amazed by her these days. And I have an incredible opportunity to go back to a job very similar to my old one without the travel. So, I'm most likely taking it. It's only three days a week until October when I'll have the chance to decide if I want to continue working or not, assuming they want me, of course.

I'm excited to go back to work. I've missed the challenges of problem solving in a corporate setting. I've missed the excitement and drama of project work. I've missed the thrill of developing timelines and actually having a small measure of control on delivery. I can't imagine what it will be like to have an entire eight hour block to work on something. It's all sort of an amazing thought.

But, I have mixed emotions, but not for the reasons you're probably assuming. My emotions have nothing to do with my girls. I wouldn't do this if I wasn't 100% sure both of my kids will be fine. I'm sure. They are ready for this. Two days a week in school plus one day a week with their Nana is a going to be a good thing for them. Also, I'm working with a great gal to nanny for our family this summer. The girls will do some really fun stuff while I'm working. It's a good situation. I'm lucky and all in all, I feel like the kids are squared away.

So where is the mixed part of this emotion? Aww...you see, the past year gave me a chance to discover something I forgot while I was busy with life: I love to write. It's something I loved as a kid, but somewhere along the way I forgot how truly pleasurable writing can be. And now, going back to work, I'm worried I will forget again. In hurry-up world of working parenthood, I fear I will lose my creative muse. And I will stop making writing a priority. And slowly, I will stop writing at all. I truly hope that doesn't happen.

I want writing to be a priority for the rest of my life. I feel like I've finally figured out I want to be when I grow up...at 40. I want to be a writer: of history, of fiction, of stories that I find interesting and compelling. And while it annoys me that it took me 30 years to see the light, I'm so happy that I didn't spend my entire life in the dark without ever trying something different, and taking a risk.

So there you have it. I'm going back to work, not upset about my kids, but worried about writing. I know I'll keep blogging. In fact, I'm figuring this misadventure will be a material rich experience. And I'm sure that admitting all this puts me somewhere high on the list of bad Mothers...but I never claimed to be the perfect Mom. Just a Mom trying to find the right balance in a crazy world.