A Happy Halloween

This weekend was not about China, but rather all about celebrating Halloween with La Nina. It is so fun to watch her "get" Halloween for the first time. Here is the run down of events:

Friday, School Parade: La Nina's school has the most adorable tradition of hand making their costumes. Each room was something different; La Nina was a witch. This is a pre-school so the parade lasts all of about 5 seconds. La Nina did fine until she saw us and then she was one mighty unhappy witch who just wanted to go home. She stayed for the party and had a blast. Definitely, an adorable little tradition.

Saturday, Carve the Pumpkins: You know, this is risky business with a two year old. She really wanted to help. However, help which involved knives didn't look good. So, La Nina was the seed retriever. She did a great job getting seeds out of the inside of the pumpkins and we managed to get 3 pumkins carved without a trip to emergency. Success!

Sunday, Halloween Extravanga: Began with the zoo in full Cinderella costume. We left the wand home as I was sure it could be used as a weapon. Then to Grandma's to see our cousins. Finally after a three hour nap, trick or treating with the other girls in the neighborhood. This is the first year she got trick or treating and loved running from house to house around the court. She ran past me saying, "Come on Mom, next house" many, many times.

Anyway a great weekend enjoying the holiday. As this month ends, it makes me smile to know Maggie will be in our arms in two weeks. It is funny to think she has no idea of the change coming in her life. And we have to get serious again this week to make sure we are ready for her.

Thinking about Packing!

Family date night tonight. Last week it was Costco, tonight it was Target. Boy, we have too much fun. But tonight, really got me thinking about packing. Exactly what I should take to feed this child in China? She will be almost 13 months. I kind of remember what La Nina ate at that age, but there is a big difference..Maggie hasn't been home yet. So, I can't assume that anything that worked with La Nina food-wise will work with Maggie.

The tough part of this is knowing what will she be able to chew. If she is still on a bottle, we will have to introduce solid foods slowly. I have read girls from her orphanage had a pretty strong gag reflex when introduced simple, solid foods, which to me means they weren't used to solid foods or they weren't used to Western solid food. I know Maggie has a couple of teeth, so she 'could' chew, but just hard to know if she has had the chance. At this point, I am leaning towards buying food for a younger baby, and supplementing with congee and chow mein. I am worried it may not be hearty enough for her. If I guess wrong, she will get hungry and scream to high heaven...been there done that with her sister...and we may or may not be able to get to a store quickly in China.

Of course, the other part of this challenge is we will be in a hotel room. Not a US hotel room, a Chinese hotel room where every drop of water will need to be boiled. Anything that is "Just Add Water", means "Just boil a pot of water, let it cool enough to not burn, then hope you boiled it long enough to kill all the bugs! Then if you have a rough night, remember what is boiled and what isn't, before you mix a bottle". Funny how the details of that first trip are starting to flash before my eyes. Hmmm...lots of thinking to do on the packing front. This isn't like just buying Size 3 at Costco and calling it a night. Goodness, decisions, decisions!

Life after getting a date!

Actually life is quite mellow these days. We have been through an initial flurry of arranging, but now that is done and we are kind of between things a bit. Too early to start packing, most of the big projects are complete, I am over the desire to clean (thank goodness).

For me, these days seem about enjoying the last few days of having only one child. It isn't as if Maggie hasn't made her presence in our life known. La Nina's bangs (or lack there of) show Maggie's arrival and our ineptness at managing two little ones. But right now, it is so delightful to read La Nina a book, then rock her to sleep. And I think that is where my focus should be. We still have lots of time to pack.

We have a date

Hip Hip Hooray! Not only do we have a date, but we have officially sent in our check to purchase tickets. Instead of blogging last night, I spent my evening coaching Maggie's Dad through shopping airline tickets. Even though we did find some cheaper, we just went with our agency deal. It was easier and we are big on convenience these days.

Not only do we have a date, but we know it considerably earlier than we knew the travel date for La Nina. Of course, that was an extreme situation, but our notice seems short enough this time around. Also, it is suddenly dawning on me we are only spending 13 days in China. Boy is that different than the 22 days we spent there with La Nina. So, while I start planning for packing, the amount of formula, diapers, cherrios etc. is considerably less given the duration of the trip.

We are really looking forward to Thanksgiving in China. With La Nina we spent Christmas AND New Year's there. It will be fun to see the Chinese spin on such an American tradition. I know the country will not celebrate, but I bet our agency tries to arrange something for us and that will be fun.

Much to do. So that is it for tonight.

Well, we kind of got the call...

The good news is our agency called, confirmed our fax number, verified it was a private fax and promised to send our itinerary tomorrow. So, we kind of got the call. Once we get the itinerary, we launch into booking the trip and then all the planning starts in full gear.

I did get a few details out of today's phone call. We are traveling as expected and we are staying at the same hotel we stayed at two years ago. Rumor has it the Hard Rock has closed, but a Starbucks has opened. We know there are two wonderful parks right near the hotel and a McDonald's next door. Not that I am a huge fan of McDonald's, but let me tell you after a week of all Chinese all the time, Mc Donald's is a haven of recognizable menu items.

The arrangements are now made for the dog to go to the kennel for 10 days of our trip. He just exhausts Auntie and Tio. I was able to confirm some details with Carly's day care. So, the arranging stage is officially underway. I am dying to see the flight details tomorrow. We may be able to fly out of SFO to Hong Kong, which means no switching planes in LA on the way home. That is too good to be true. Must run. Time is ticking now.

The Night Before Final Call...

Ok, starting tomorrow after the BIG call (assuming we get the call) we start actually preparing to leave. Really it is more like we start "arranging" to leave. And let me tell you, leaving involves lots of arranging. Arranging for one of the dogs to go to a kennel, arranging for Auntie and Tio to pick up and drop off from day care, arranging for travel, arranaging and rearranging suitcases. It will be the weeks of arrangements culminating in the day of leaving.

As this arranging starts, the reality of leaving La Nina hits and it makes me sad. Two weeks is a long time to be away. We will really miss her. As much as I would love for her to be with us to welcome the newest member of our family, it just isn't practical to take her. This is not a trip for a 2.5 year old who likes her naps, her own bed and her little routine. This trip is about keeping appointments, waiting in lines and signing forms in a foreign country. Unfortunately, none of it is very fun for an energetic 2.5 year old. So, even though it is going to be hard to leave her, it is the right decision for our family.

Waiting, arranging and leaving all sound so neat and pretty. While it is easy to write about these stages as if they were clear and distinct, the stages flow together until the actual moment we meet Maggie. And it is so nice to know we are getting closer each day.

Mini-Vans and More News

Well, I guess it could be just News and News.

We have officially given into the fact we are parents and there is a reason why you see all those mini-vans driving around. The reason is car seats. See, once you have two cars seats in your car there is room for little else. Since we are getting very close to having two car seats, we decided a mini-van was in order. (Remember, we already own an SUV). I have to say, I am officially uncool. BUT, I can open the van doors remotely, I can reconfigure the entire interior of my van with a screaming child in one arm and a shopping cart full of groceries in front of me, AND I can fit two car seat as well as two additional adults to help with the aforementioned screaming child. So, as much as I have denied this day would come...it has come and I am kind of happy about it. Did I mention 13 cup holder plus 4 bottle wells? What about that in-car entertainment station? Ok, I will stop. I have officially driven a stake in the heart of the city girl I longed to be. It is suburban Mom all the way.

Also, as if the "official news" isn't going to be anti-climatic enough now, we heard we are getting "the call" on Monday! We will own plane tickets to China by Wednesday. Then the official preparation begins. All my insane house cleaning and neurotic ramblings, will be replaced by questions such as...how many diapers does it take to keep a 12 month old dry for 14 days and the ever difficult twist: how do you account for diapers if there is an intestinal parasite involved? Laugh if you must, but this is the real questions facing adoptive parents.

"Unofficial" News

Ok, I just typed a whole long explanation and somehow lost it in preview mode, so this update is going to be short and sweet.

We received "unofficial" information last night that we are definitely traveling as planned next month. It isn't the offical, 'go buy plane tickets' news that we are dying to get, but it definitely information from a very reliable source that says we will get the "official" call late next week.

This is a sure sign the wait is winding down. Maggie will not pass another month without her Mama and Daddy by her side. Good news for all.

Birthdays and Rumors

Well, we survived Maggie's birthday. This is the day I dreaded the most during the wait. It wasn't easy, and I am relieved it is behind us now. Calling last night really made today a lot easier. I am glad we called. Also, all the friends and family who remembered helped too! Thanks for the calls, emails and cards of support. It was much appreciated.

I finally converted the updated measurements on Maggie. If I did the calcuation right, Maggie is only in the 25th percentile for height and weight at 12 months. The girls from the Southern region in China tend to be smaller, so all of this isn't really surprising. Just nice to know for packing purposes. I hadn't planned to take some of my smallest stuff. Now I probably will.

Also, we heard a couple of rumors about our travel date today. Definitely good news and if the rumors are correct, it looks like we will be leaving on schedule. I had been worried since nothing was confirmed that we were going to be delayed. Still no real count down until we have confirmed dates, but we have our fingers crossed the confirmation will come soon.

On a special note- Happy Birthday to our niece, who is turning 12. It will be special to have you and Maggie share a birthday!

Successful Scheming On Maggie's Birthday

Tonight we executed our second scheme: Happy Birthday Maggie! Tonight, we called the orphanage to get updated information, check out a few facts and remind the staff it was Maggie's birthday. I am happy to report: Mission Accomplished!

The call worked great. We were able to get updated information, a few more pieces of her personal history and best of all, we found out the orphanage is having a little party for her. What a relief! A little load has been lifted from my shoulders.
I couldn't bare the thought no one wished our little girl a Happy Birthday.

We also found out who she shares a room with, the number of teeth she has and that she isn't walking...yet! I have a feeling keeping up with her sister will change that quickly.

It only seems appropriate to write this tonight. We can't sing it to her this year, but we will for many years to come:

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday Dear Maggie!
Your family loves you!

We are forever indebted to our friend who makes these calls for us. She gets on the phone and gets us the information without fail. She has no idea what a gift she give us with this information.

So, Why don't you call?

I know, I know. Everyone who reads this blog asks me why I don't just call my agency and ask when we are going to travel. Believe it or not, it isn't that simple.

My agency is very used to dealing with hysterical, emotional, out of whack parents. The staff is remarkably capable at disarming any attack and thwarting every questioning angle with diffusion tactics. The answer is usually, "Well, your letter says .....". My thoughts at their answers are always the same: I know what my letter says, I am looking for more details.

The staff also lies. Ok, that is probably an exaggeration and most likely unfair. I don't know if they are really lying, but they are certainly not above telling an over emotional, distraught parent one thing in the morning, then changing the news that afternoon. Now it is quite possible that the news changes hour to hour. At the same time, there has been more than once that the shifting stories seemed suspicious. So, when people ask me, "Why don't you call?" The reasons I don't call are complicated; kind of based on experience and kind of based on futility.

So, "why do I use this agency?" Actually, I have questioned that decision myself lately. The reason is simple: I trust my daughter with no one else when we are actually processing the adoption in China. In China, there is not a more competent, organized, connected and efficient agency. I know this from experience and I know this from listening to adoption war stories told by veteran's of the process. I put up with their abuse now, in order to assure smooth sailing when I have Maggie in my arms. In my opinion, their strength in China is far more valuable than any hand holding the staff could provide now.

By the way, I did call this AM. The staff quite cheerfully reminded of me of what my letter said and what the process is. Basically, there is no news.

Another Week Begins

Another week begins. Big sigh! My "To Do" list is getting shorter and it will soon be time to stop with my house cleaning frenzy and start getting ready to travel. The good news about this wait is that my house is cleaner than it has been in years. The bad news is I have been cleaning it, which is a sure sign I am not mentally stable as my past posts can attest.

If you know me, you will know I don't rank house cleaning high on my list of fun things to do. I am committed to keeping a cleaning lady, even if it means I have to take a second job to afford it. Yet, for some reason, nesting happens even to adoptive Mom's and I have been in a cleaning frenzy the likes of which I have never known.

Just for my own future amusement, I thought I would document a few of the projects I completed since 10/1.

I ripped apart and reorganized my laundry room. This also meant I had to rip apart and reorganize the closet in the Master Bedroom. I am still not sure how these project were tied together, but for some reason, I couldn't reorganize the laundry room when my closet was a mess. There was some truly twisted logic at work that night. The result: Eight shopping bags of my old clothes went to Charity.

The carpets have been cleaned. (Of course, La Nina spilled my coffee on them this AM, so they need it again.)

The blinds have all been dusted and the curtains have all been washed and rehung. (This is a very bad sign. I hate cleaning blinds.)

I dusted all my silk plants. I don't really know why I did this, but it seemed important one night.

This morning I was dusting base boards. Again, I am not sure why..but they were gross and now I really want to finish the entire house. What is wrong with me?

I think that is all that was actually started and completed in the first 17 days of October 2004. If you know me, you know someone should probably prescribe something for me.

I am running out of things to clean and have even contemplated taking on "the Office". We better hear something this week, because "the Office" may just kill me.

Then, Anger Set In...

You know, I can tell I am getting over being depressed by this whole wait, because today, I am just annoyed. Frankly, I am really peeved.

I am angry at my agency. Now, on any rationale day at any rationale time in my life, I will tell you my agency is great. And I am sure, if you ask me in 3 months what I think of them, I will tell you they are great. But, today, they suck! Here is what is bothering me. It seems like every family who sent their paperwork to March with other agencies not only know their travel date, but their travel date is before what our agency predicted for our travel date. This is the second time we are last to know. And it is looking like we are going to be last to go. Considering we were last to get our referral too, my already short patience just got shorter.

Now, I know my agency does things just a little differently, which for the most part works for our benefit. But right now, I am not seeing a lot of benefit and just a lot of waiting.

So, I suppose that anger is just one of the phases of this whole emotional process. I didn't do this last time. If we don't get a call this week, heaven help 'Max'.

No News

Hi All-

Since I have gotten a couple of calls regarding the status of things, I thought I would officially write: No News!

And yet, I feel more hopeful now. It is the middle of October finally. Starting tomorrow, it is closer to November than it is to September. We are going to travel in November. Lots of fun stuff happening in the end of October, so I think it will go fast. The wait is feeling shorter. I know on some level, it is shorter every day, but now it is starting to feel shorter. That is really big. Up until now, the shortening of the wait has been intellectual and intangible. It is starting to feel tangible. Before we know it, I will be stressing about packing. I am looking forward to it.

A Little More News!

Ok, when in waiting mode, any news is good news. When the group behind us, Group 97, started posting their referrals, I was so happy. Usually travel approvals are granted shortly after referrals. I think it is safe to say, we could hear about our travel date any time. It has been a month since we received our referrals and pictures of Maggie. And if you are reading this, I don't have to tell you what a long month this has been.

On the home front, the play room is just about complete. The futon is in place, the little computer table installed. Carly and I hung out in the room tonight playing and reading. She loved it. Now hopefully our shared sleeping arrangements will be a hit too! At this point, Carly doesn't understand, there will be an occupant in the crib soon.

That is it for tonight.

Travel in China

You know, to be honest, there is a part of me that is dreading travel in China for a second time this year. As bad as I want to get Maggie home, I sort of wished they "delivered". I do love the adventure, the culture and the experience the trip represents, and at the same time travel in China is a tough. Here is why:

The Food: The Chinese eat anything that doesn't eat them first. The food served in China isn't the chow mein, sweet and sour pork, fried rice you eat in the US. In China, no part of the animal is wasted. Nothing. The bones are left in all the meat, making eating a logistical nightmare with chopsticks. Bean curd is almost always the safest option on the menu. The good news is bean curd is fabulous. Like nothing I have ever tasted. Last time, I was savoring bean curd only to discover the meat was frog. Poor kermit!

The Bathrooms: On this topic I will be brief. Let's just say Women's Rooms in China are a study in projectiles and your shoes get messy if you miss. I will be in lots of skirts this trip as the back of my pants fell victim to my errors on our first trip. The skirts worked great this Spring.

The Staring: For me, an American, who rode BART for many years and never made eye contact with anyone, the staring in China is unnerving. The Chinese think nothing of looking you up and down, chatting to their friend about you, pointing at you and asking you a question or making comments on your parenting capabilities that you are glad you can't understand. This cultural behavior happens everywhere. When it happened it a bathroom it really freaked me out. To have a room of women silenced and watching my every move in a bathroom I really don't know how to use, I just get a wee-bit uncomfortable.

As much as I am dying to hold Maggie in my arms and to get a date for travel, I know exactly what it means to travel in China now. And from a travel logistics stand point, I don't know if I am ready to go back.

My Scheme Failed and the Answer to the Most Frequently Asked Question

Well, my scheme to get information failed. Bummer. Still no news.

Tonight I want to write about the reason girls are abandoned in China. I am not sure I can really do the topic justice because it is so complicated, but it is a question I am asked a lot and people always seem surprised by my answers. This problem isn't as simple as the cultural preference for boys.

Prior this year, the only China I knew was in the cities. But in April, we took a two hour drive from Hefei to Anqing. It was probably two of the most eye opening hours of my life. In Provincial China, fields are tended by man and ox, women do laundry in streams. There doesn't appear to be much electricity. I doubt many of the villages we passed had more than a couple of working phones. Life from 100 years ago flew past our windows as we drove down the interstate.

When the US was agrarian based, families had lots of children to help with the farm work. Now, consider that the people in rural China are allowed only one child. Their survival is completely hinged on that one child. That child will have to work the fields with the ox in order to care for the parents when they grow old. The future for the family is bleak under any circumstances and to be allowed to only have one child is devastating. If they have girl, that family may perish. It is a rare girl that is physically strong enough to work an ox. In the Chinese tradition, girls marry and support their husband's family. Social security, medicare and many of our social welfare programs don't exist in China. So the family who has a girl must face some very difficult decisions about their future, because affording a second child may be financially impossible.

If a family has more than one child and are caught, the consequences vary from province to province. In some provinces, families are fined and once the fine is paid, they are allowed to raise a second child without government interference. In other provinces, the family will lose their land or jobs, receive a fine and risk their extended family getting fined also. Now consider the issues I haven't touched on such as lack of birth control, lack of health care, illiteracy rates and readily available abortions: The reason girls are abandoned is not simple.

Before the drive from Hefei to Anqing, I was a lot more judgmental towards the families who abandon their daughters. On some level, I was mad at them. How could they leave a child just because it was a girl? Today, that anger and judgment is gone. It isn't that I think it is ok to wrap a child in a blanket, leave it in a market or at a factory, and walk away. However, when people have no options, the rules change. The values of our society do not apply. This is an issue of survival for the people of China.

Today, I feel empathy for the birth parents of my daughters. I grieve their loss for them as I think Maggie's Dad and I know exactly how great that loss is. I admire their bravery. These people risked so much even carrying a baby and finding a safe place for their daughter to be found. I admire their strength. The birth parents of my daughters are the people who put the wheels in motion for their beautiful little girls to have a chance. It was one heck of a gamble, but it paid off. I feel so much gratitude to these people I will never meet. I would give anything to be able to thank them for their bravery, strength and courage. And I so wish they knew how much their daughters are loved.

Let the Scheming Begin!

Ok, things are reaching desperation level in the Nostrand household. We need information and we need it now. It has been a month since we received pictures of Maggie and it will be at least another month until we meet her...an unbelievable situation. However, given our experience in the process, and our impatient, American, "need-to-know" nature, we are scheming on ways to get information.

We can't give details on our schemes. You never know who is reading these things. However, we will update the blog if either scheme yields success. We plan to execute Scheme #1 this week and Scheme #2 next week. If nothing else, plotting helps us pass the time and allows us to kid ourselves that we have some control. Now that it is October 10, I consider it mid-October. Soon it will be the actual middle of October, then late October, then Halloween and finally November. Not that I am counting or anything. Slowly, so slowly but surely we are getting there. Key word being SLOWLY.

A happy item to note: The commenter who identified herself as Lynn, delivered a beautiful little girl shortly after posting her comment. We are very happy to report Mom and baby are doing fine.

More scoop tomorrow and please, no more pity for Maggie's Dad. He grew up with lots of testosterone, a little estrogen will do him good. Cheers!

Maggie's dad pipes in on the blog

Time for Maggie's dad to chime in on the blog.

This blog deal is a new concept for me- sharing thoughts and news for all to see. Kind of "Dr. Phil meets Drudge" or something to that effect, but what the heck. Let's fire up dady's blog numero uno...

My main task now is dealing with two women on the edge- Julie who is the hormonal equivalent of an eight month pregnant woman with an umbilical cord stretching to the Far East and Carly who thinks she's ready to be a big sister but I suspect will be just as hormonal when "Maggie reality" settles in.

My other challenge is trying to figure out how I'm soon going to cohabitate with three lovely, chatty women. Our house is about to become a testosterone deprivation chamber. I better schedule a poker game with the boys, watch The Dirty Dozen and Tivo The Man Show for a few weeks to make sure I survive the estrogen onslought. Any helpful hints from any who have already successfully traveled this path, please feel free to offer words of wisdom...

Like Julie, I can't wait to get to China to retrieve Maggie and bring her home. I'm confidant we'll all survive the anxiety of the wait and forget all about it the moment they place Maggie in our arms. What's more, I'm sure I'll not only survive the return to a house filled with three women and a dad, but learn to like it quite a bit. Bring it on...

Another Day Goes By and a little More News

Another day of waiting passes, and it was a good day. We were able to get some stuff accomplished to get ready for our trip and we received a little news.

Here is the very exciting list of things we were able to get done:
*The carpets received a long overdue cleaning. This was a pre-trip requirement for my sanity during my leave. I can't stand looking at dirty carpets day in and day out. Besides, I figure it will be two years before I get it together again to get the carpets cleaned.

*Carly and I made a trip to the mall and bought her new shoes. I had a bad Mom moment: It turns out Carly's old shoes were a full size too small for her. Oops! I guess I should have taken her shopping sooner. We also picked up some cold weather play clothes for school.

*I stocked up on over-the-counter drugs for Maggie. As I learned on my last trip, you can't have too much decongestant and infant advil. I am debating if I am going to take perscription meds with me for Maggie. I think I will be able to get them if I really feel like I need them. Last time, I didn't take any for Carly and had no trouble getting them for her, so I just don't feel a huge need. Besides what are the odds I am going to get handed a second kid with bronchitis? Carly was the only one who needed antibiotics last time, I just have a hard time believing it is going to happen again.

*I stocked up on Carly's asthma medication so there won't be a shortage while we are gone. I also finally got her an extra spacer to leave at school. That will make life much easier. Always hard to remember to bring it home.

*I dropped off the records we received yesterday to our peditrician who was quite intrigued to have so much information on Maggie's growth and development. He has never seen growth records like we received. He thinks once we get her home, he will be able to use the growth and development records to confirm her birthday. In a lot of cases, girls adopted from China are assigned birthdays once they get to the orphanage.

Now for the interesting bit of adoption news: the group behind us, received their "first call" and will most likely be traveling with us. If this happens, our travel group increases in size from 13 families to about 25 families. Usually, as soon as one group gets referrals, the previous group gets their travel confirmed. So hopefully, Group 97 will get their referrals next week and we (group 96) will get our travel confirmed shortly after that. It is good to actually be getting news again, a sign the National Holiday in China is over and the process is starting to move.

So, a busy and productive day. Weekends always go faster then week days. Why is that?

More information!

Big surprise in the mail today, a fact sheet on Maggie. Our agency must have received it with our referral and spent the last couple of weeks translating it. The information isn't much: Heights and weights recorded from November to June, a few developmental milestones, a couple of notes on her personality. All of the information indicates Maggie was doing fine as of June. Such good news.

It felt so good to receive something, anything. It made Maggie a little more real. It made our trip seem a little closer. It gave us just a little more insight into our daughter. When you have so little information, any information is appreciated. No matter how spare.

There was also a whole host of rumors from our agency and others about possible confirmation on travel dates happening next week. At this point it is a rumor, but so hard not to get our hopes up that it is true.

So, I go to bed tonight..another week behind me, a little more information in hand and hope that we will get a solid date next week.

It's a group thing.

I love this theme of interviewing myself, because it keeps me on topic and focused. Also, it gives me something to think about all day, besides the fact I don't know when I am going to China. Even if my sister is the only person reading this, this blog is actually helping me kill some wait time and get my mind off the real issues. So, without further adieu: Another very common question I am asked is, "Do you travel with a group?"

Yes and that is probably the best part of this experience. Our agency bundles dossiers by the month in which they are received and assigns your family to a group. This group consists of people from all walks of life, of all backgrounds and from all over the country. The only thing you have in common at the start of the process is that you turned in your paperwork at roughly the same time to adopt a child from China.

During the wait, you may meet some of the members from your group in person or on line with your list serve. But once you get to China, the adoption process with our agency is a group experience. You stay in the same hotel, you ride the same buses, you eat the same meals-most of the time, you keep the same official and unofficial appointments and you share the same cultural experiences.

This is the group of people who witness the birth of your family and the only group you rely on for the first few days with your child. You share toys, diapers, wipes, drugs and other supplies. More importantly, your group becomes family to which your new family belongs. The experienced Moms help the new Moms. The Dads scheme about emailing pictures home and trade tips on how to get sports scores. The older siblings play together in the halls of the hotels. With these people, you experience your first highs and lows of parenthood and in some cases, you form very profound bonds.

Next to my daughter, the most cherished items I brought back from China were my frienships with our group. And I know these are friends I will have for a very long time. There is a bigr part of me that can not imagine adopting without them holding my camera, handing me a dropped toy, showing me how to mix fruit into the rice cereal. I know there will be a new group. While the faces on the trip will be different, it will be ok. The experience of adopting Maggie should be different and unique.

What is up on "Real"?

Continuing my most frequently asked question theme, this question is right up there on the most asked list and number one on my most annoying questions list. Many people ask me, "Is Maggie Carly's 'real' sister?" What is up with that question? If it is a child asking me that question, I am always patient and explain that it is a "real" sister, because I am a "real" mother.

However, when it is an adult asking the question, I feel no need to be so patient. I am usually tactiful and simply answer, "Of course. I am their real Mom, so that makes them real sisters." (If you are a family member or friend reading this, I hope you give to this answer.) The wise person stops questioning upon hearing this answer, but on occasion I have had a tactless fool continue to pursue the topic. At that point, all bets are off on my niceness and it is only by the grace of God, I don't answer any follow up questions with "Why are you so ignorant?". It just isn't pretty.

The truth is, if you really want to examine the word 'real' in the context of relationships, these days, that word is quite slippery. The implication in this word is one of biology. Start with marriage. If "real" in relationship requires shared biology, marriages aren't real until you have kids. There is no lineage between spouses, the divorces are easy to come by, so is it your "real" spouse if you are only bound by a piece of paper? What about families that include children from previous marriages? Add children through surrogacy? Donor eggs and sperm? Are these 'real' families? If a spouse is considered "real" due to a piece of paper, does a piece of paper saying I adopted my child make the relationship any less "real" than a marriage? Of course not. No further conversation/explanation/legitimization needed.

The other fact that becomes apparent during these conversations is these people know nothing of China and nothing of why children are available for adoption in China. Frequently, these people don't understand it is mostly girls available for adoption. I admit I am immersed in the process and culture, and therefore, I am more informed now than the average person. However, long before I entered the adoption process I knew about China's one child policy and the little girls that were being found all over the country. It wasn't that I was interested in adoption, I just knew a little about my world.

Babies from China enter the US at a rate of about 10,000 every year, 98% of them are girls and this has been happening for many years. These girls have quite a little sorority established, organizations to support them and highly educated, motivated, very 'real' parents. I am willing to bet that these girls are going to be a force for China and the US in the future when they want information on their biological parents. I am willing to bet also they are the ones who will define the word 'real' for themselves and the world, and I know their 'real' parents will be cheering them on.

Another Week Ends

It is funny in the adoption process how you start just passing the time by the end of weeks or weekends. In my case I count both. On Thursdays, I breathe a big sigh of relief and think, 'thank goodness I made it through another week'. On Sundays, I breathe another sigh of relief and think, 'I just have to make it through this next week and we are closer to leaving'. It doesn't matter how good or bad the week is. It doesn't matter how busy or slow. All that matters is that it is over and it is closer to when we leave.

When I know something is going to happen but I don't know exactly when it is going to happen, I get a little 'zen' about it all. It will happen when it is supposed to happen, therefore, each week means I am a week closer. I just don't know how I should be counting the word 'closer'. Am I half way there? Am I two thirds the way there? I don't know. I am just 'closer'.

It makes planning hard too. And for me, an admitted obsessive/compulsive planner, this is really tough. I have no problem with spontaniety as long as I am spontaneous from a plan. I always have some sort of plan in my head and most of the time, it is written down. My plan is my parameters. It is the boundaries in which I have to operate. So, departing from the plan is ok, as long as I know what the plan is is.

Of course, in the China adoption process, you don't really know the plan. I know we will leave home, fly to China, meet our baby, spend at least two weeks doing paperwork, then we fly home and have a life. The baby sets the plan for quite a while at first, and you just fumble along until you are smart enough to out plan the baby. With Carly, it was easy. She is a child after my own heart, and once she was over the jet lag, she fell into a pattern very quickly. She loves structure and frankly, needs it. I am probably going to get a free spirit in Maggie, and she and I will tussle over a 'plan' for the rest of our lives.

In many ways, this is the part of adoption that makes it so similar to child birth. I, too, have a due date. Now I know which month it is in, I just don't know the day. I, too, have labor pains. Trust me, knowing Maggie is in an orphanage waiting for us, is painful. Not physically, of course, but emotionally and mentally. Everyday I just hope she is ok. I hope she is getting fed and cared for by some kind soul. I hope someone talks to her, someone hands her a toy if she drops it, comforts her when she cries. I hope they put on music to help her pass her days. I hope she isn't over dressed and is comfortable. I hope she is safe. I know what ever care she is receiving isn't the same as if she were home.

As another week ends, I look forward to passing another week. I know this next week will be busy. I know that will make it go fast. That is good. Then we will be a week closer to travel. And that is even better.

The Process: Round 2

The second most often asked question is "is it shorter the second time
through the process?" The answer is "No'. The reality is it has been much
shorter, and much longer, all at once.

The paper work portion of the adoption process is a little easier the second
time. More than anything it is a learning curve. If you have done it once
before, the paperwork is extremely easy the second time. For me, completing a second dossier 2.5 years after the first was relatively easy. I finished the paper work for Maggie 4 weeks faster than I finished the paper work for Carly in 2001.

Once your dossier (paperwork) is sent to China, you wait. For Carly, we
waited and waited and waited. Between paperwork and pure wait, we spent
16.5 months without information, just in a holding pattern. While it was
long, we enjoyed ourselves and traveled. Looking back, I can't complain.
At the time, especially towards the end, I was miserable. I just wanted
something to know that the adoption was actually going to happen.

With Maggie, the wait has been considerably shorter. In fact, we received
information about Maggie only 6 months after submitting our dossier to
China. When we turned in our paper work in March, it never occurred to me
that we would travel to meet Maggie in 2004, let alone November. So, why
the shorter wait?

It has nothing to do with the fact that China knows us or that we have
already adopted, which seem the obvious reasons. Actually, the sad fact is
the line to adopt children is shorter right now. China decided to strictly
limit the number of single women who can adopt their children. In China's
eyes, too many lesbian couples were adopting children from China. The
Chinese are very culturally biased against homosexuality and wanted their
babies to go to heterosexual homes. As sad as it is, there isn't much that
can be done about it. So, because there are fewer people adopting right
now, the line is shorter. Thus, our unbelievable 6 month wait. When you
combine that with the 2 months it took to do paperwork, our wait has only
been 8 months and we will travel to meet Maggie in just over 11 months after starting the whole process.

The part of our wait for Maggie that has been longer is the part we are
experiencing now. With Carly, once we had her pictures, we traveled to
China to meet her in 22 days (or something like that). This time, it will
take over 2 months. For me, this is the hardest part of the wait. Once you
are matched with a baby and see her little face in pictures, that is your
baby. The minute you have that picture you start to bond with her. You
start worrying about her and you basically become her Mom in abstentia, or
something like that. As for Maggie, she is waiting in Suixi. I am sure she
has no idea that her time there is drawing to an end and that soon she will
be joining a wonderful, nutty, loving family.

I wish so much that we could travel sooner to meet Maggie. Unfortunately,
there are national holidays and a tradeshow getting in our way. So the wait
continues for all of us. As I started this entry, the wait is shorter and
longer all at once. Shorter in actual duration, yet longer in knowing that
my baby is waiting for me a world away.

So, What Does Carly Think?

I think the second time through the adoption process the question I have been asked most frequently is, "What does Carly think?"

The honest answer is: Who knows what a two year old thinks? There are moments when I think she understands some of what is happening. Tonight, I asked her if she knew who Maggie was and she said 'Maggie is my sister'. So, I know she has the words right.

My pragmatic nature leads me to believe Carly is repeating the words, but doesn't really grasp the full meaning of a sister. After all, she thinks Dora the Explorer and Cinderella co-rule the world. I don't think she understands she will no longer have our undivided attention. I don't think she understands sharing is about to become a way of life. I don't think she understands that compromise and negotiation are about to become an everyday occurrence in her shared bedroom and bathroom. Of course, how could you expect a two year old to understand the impact a little sister will have on her life?

A sister will be a such a wonderful gift for Carly. I know I love my sister (I do hope she is reading this) and I couldn't imagine my life without her. In Maggie, Carly will have a confidant, a playmate, a foe and a friend sharing her room, her childhood and her life. What more could a kid ask for? Well, if it is Carly, I think she would ask for "swiper to stop swiping."

So, my answer remains, "I don't really know what Carly thinks." But I sure know what I hope she thinks. If not today, then someday.

This is Maggie's official picture. We aren't sure how old she is here.  

Maggie's referral picture taken in June 2004. Check out those fingers and toes! 

Introductions

To all who are interested-

I am starting this blog as a way to share our experiences adopting a second child from China. Our first journals were very well received and to save long distribution lists, I thought this would be an easier route to go. I hope that you enjoy reading about our preparations and our journey as we get ready to travel to meet Maggie.